TEACH MY GRANDSON, YOU CAN'T LOVE WHAT YOU FEAR

 

TEACH MY GRANDSON, YOU CAN'T LOVE WHAT YOU FEAR

"You can't love what you fear" reflects the idea that love and fear are opposing forces, with true love requiring trust, vulnerability, and a lack of threat, making it impossible to genuinely love someone or something you perceive as dangerous or controlling. While you might feel both love and fear (like fearing loss in a relationship), these emotions can't coexist in the same moment for authentic, selfless love, as fear often stems from a desire for control or protection, while love is about giving. The key Bible verse stating that fear and love cannot coexist is 1 John 4:18, which says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment. The one who fears has not been perfected in love". This verse highlights that fear (especially fear of punishment or torment) and perfect love (God's love) are incompatible, suggesting that as one grows in understanding and experiencing God's complete love, tormenting fear diminishes and is replaced by confidence and peace. 

You may turn to your left or right and wake-up 30 years later and find you have wasted your life. What a great delusion. Only God is your perfect love. But the love you agree to must always be willing to be vulnerable, trusting and intimate. Fear can often act as a barrier to genuine connection and intimacy. When we're afraid—whether it's of getting hurt, being vulnerable, or facing rejection—it can hinder our ability to love fully and authentically. In many ways, love requires vulnerability and trust, which can be difficult if fear is present. Overcoming these fears often involves self-reflection, communication, and sometimes even professional support. Perfect is Blue Letter Bible Lexicon Strong's G5046 - teleios, meaning: 

• brought to its end, finished
• wanting nothing necessary to completeness
• perfect
• that which is perfect
• consummate human integrity and virtue
• of men
• full grown, adult, of full age, mature

None is perfect but God. All roses have thorns. All diamonds have flaws. Attractive to the eye, destructive to the heart. Love in that verse is Blue Letter Bible Lexicon Strong's G26 - agapē meaning: 

• affection, good will, love, benevolence, brotherly love
• love feasts

Affection requires vulnerability, trust and intimacy with a fullness that only comes with maturity. Fear in that verse is Blue Letter Bible Lexicon Strong's G5401 - phobos meaning 

• fear, dread, terror
• that which strikes terror
• reverence for one's husband

You may be confused. God is referring to two types of fear in this definituon: reverence and irreverance. Reverence (n.) is late 13c., "honor, respect, deference (shown to someone), esteem heightened by awe," also of places or holy objects, from Old French reverence "respect, awe" and directly from Latin reverentia "awe, respect," from revereri "to stand in awe of, respect, honor, fear, be afraid of; revere," from re-, here perhaps an intensive prefix (see re-), + vereri "stand in awe of, fear, respect" (from PIE root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for"). Irreverence (n.) is mid-14c., from Old French irreverence (13c.) or directly from Latin irreverentia "want of reverence, disrespect," from irreverentem (nominative irreverens) "disrespectful, irreverent," from assimilated form of in- "not, opposite of" (see in- (1)) + reverens, present participle of revereri "to stand in awe of" (see revere). There is no room in perfect love for fear that results in irreverance. If you can not honor, you can not love. If you can not respect, you can not perfect love. If you can not humble yourself, you can not show deference in the pursuit of perfect love. 

Perfect love pursuits truth. But what is truth? Pontius Pilate made that question famous. "Pilate saith unto him, What is truth? And when he had said this, he went out again unto the Jews, and saith unto them, I find in him no fault at all. (John 18:38)" Truth is not only one person's observation. Truth is not science or medicine. Those are only one side of observation. It is only improved upon with every new observation. What one person considers true may not align with another’s view, influenced by personal experiences or cultural contexts. Yes, medicine and science can be manipulated, both intentionally and unintentionally. This manipulation can take various forms and can have serious consequences for public health, policy, and scientific integrity.  

Intentional Manipulation

• Data Falsification: Researchers may fabricate or alter data to support specific hypotheses or outcomes. This is seen in cases where studies are funded by entities with a vested interest in the results.
• Selective Reporting: Researchers might only publish studies that show positive results, leading to a biased understanding of a treatment's effectiveness.
• Conflicts of Interest: Physicians or researchers who have financial ties to pharmaceutical companies can influence study outcomes or treatment recommendations.
• Public Misrepresentation: Data can be misrepresented in media or by public figures to sway public opinion on health issues, such as vaccination or dietary supplements.

Unintentional Manipulation

• Confirmation Bias: Researchers may unconsciously favor information that confirms their pre-existing beliefs, leading to skewed results.
• Over-generalization: Findings from a limited sample may be generalized to wider populations without proper validation, distorting public understanding and health policies.
• Misinterpretation of Results: Complex scientific findings can be misinterpreted or oversimplified, leading to misinformation in both medical advice and public discourse.

What is truth? Truth in someone's observation can be manipulated. Grandson, Truth is Jesus! The world will point fingers to another. Truth in the Blue Letter Bible Lexicon Strong's G225 - alētheia meaning:

1. objectively
1. what is true in any matter under consideration
1. truly, in truth, according to truth
2. of a truth, in reality, in fact, certainly
2. what is true in things appertaining to God and the duties of man, moral and religious truth
1. in the greatest latitude
2. the true notions of God which are open to human reason without his supernatural intervention
3. the truth as taught in the Christian religion, respecting God and the execution of his purposes through Christ, and respecting the duties of man, opposing alike to the superstitions of the Gentiles and the inventions of the Jews, and the corrupt opinions and precepts of false teachers even among Christians
4. subjectively
1. truth as a personal excellence
1. that candour of mind which is free from affection, pretence, simulation, falsehood, deceit

Only Jesus allows you to be vulnerable, trusting and intimate when He is the Truth that all parties in a relationship seek out. Remember, I have said people are not vulnerable, they are ignored. To become vulnerable, trusting, and intimate, you must build an atmosphere of honesty. An honesty culture is an environment that emphasizes transparency, openness, and integrity. It encourages individuals to communicate truthfully, share constructive feedback, and promote accountability. Communicatications must always be open. Individuals must feel safe expressing their thoughts, concerns, and ideas without fear of retribution. Lack of communications leads to one being "held out to dry". "Hanging out to dry" is an idiom meaning to abandon someone in a difficult situation, leaving them vulnerable, isolated, and often to take all the blame, like wet laundry left exposed on a line, implying betrayal by supposed allies or supporters. It suggests someone was left stranded in trouble, without help, when they expected it. When one is "hung out to dry" too often, they become less willing to honor and respect which leads to negative impacts physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and financially. When you become dependent upon another and they feel they can not speak or feel safe from abuse. they will not be there  when you need them most. 

What is abuse? Abuse is the act of improper usage or treatment of a person or thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, assault, violation, rape, unjust practices, crimes, or other types of aggression. Abuse statistics show widespread prevalence, with roughly 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experiencing intimate partner physical violence in their lifetime, while globally, nearly 1 in 3 women face partner or sexual violence, with millions affected annually by IPV (Intimate Partner Violence). Child abuse is also significant, with thousands of child deaths annually from abuse/neglect in the US, and high rates of childhood trauma. Specifics vary by type (sexual, physical, emotional) and population, but data consistently highlights the significant burden of abuse on women, youth, and marginalized groups. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports: "Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over a partner. This can manifest in different ways. Multiple types of abuse usually occur in an abusive relationship." You can't love what you fear. You can "perpetrate the fraud" but that only results in Spiritual and material damage. Perpetrating fraud means committing or being responsible for dishonest, deceptive acts for personal gain, often involving lies, misrepresentation, or exploiting trust, like in scams or financial crimes, with legal penalties including fines, restitution, and prison time, as fraudsters use pressure, opportunity, and rationalization (the Fraud Triangle) to trick victims.

She can be the bustiest, earth-shakenly beautiful and pleasing to the eye woman but if she is abused or feels abused, she will defy the want of a complete love. Once trust is gone no beauty can sustain the relationship, no matter how dire the existing state of individual affairs. It would be better to enjoy the beauty of the bouquet than to crushingly hold onto the thorned red rose. You can't love what you fear. "A woman scorned" refers to the powerful anger of a betrayed or rejected woman, famously captured in William Congreve's quote, "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." Amanda Idleman in "What Not to Do When You Feel Like "A Woman Scorned"" writes, "Despite knowing that my “go to” responses to frustrating situations help no one in our home, it is a struggle to not let anger and resentment harden my heart. 

Pausing to evaluate our feelings first, is a better way to handle the moments when we feel hurt, unseen, or betrayed by our partners. When we just let our reflex of anger drive our conversations, we only end up adding insult to injury." Hardening the heart leads to very negative impacts. Hardening one's heart refers to the emotional or psychological state where an individual becomes unyielding or resistant to feelings of compassion, empathy, and understanding. This can lead to various detrimental effects in personal relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. 

Emotional Isolation

Loss of Connections: Hardening the heart often results in the inability to forge deep emotional connections with others. This leads to feeling isolated and lonely, as relationships may become shallow or strained.

Inability to Forgive: A hardened heart can prevent individuals from forgiving others, which is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. This lack of forgiveness can foster resentment and anger.

Mental Health Concerns

Increased Stress and Anxiety: Holding onto anger or bitterness can elevate stress levels, which may contribute to anxiety and depression. The emotional weight can be overwhelming.

Negative Thought Patterns: Individuals may develop a habit of negative thinking, focusing on grievances and past hurts rather than finding positive solutions or moving forward.

Impact on Personal Growth

Stunted Emotional Development: Emotional growth depends on vulnerability and the ability to experience a range of feelings. Hardening one's heart can stifle this growth and lead to emotional stagnation.

Missed Opportunities: An individual may miss out on new experiences and relationships due to a refusal to open up. This can limit personal and professional opportunities.

Social Consequences

Conflict Escalation: In both personal and professional environments, a hardened heart can exacerbate conflicts. An unwillingness to empathize may lead to misunderstandings and inability to compromise.

Loss of Trust: Friends and family may find it difficult to trust someone who consistently displays a hardened demeanor. This can lead to further isolation and an ongoing cycle of relationship breakdowns.

Spiritual Implications

Disconnection from Values: Many belief systems emphasize compassion and empathy. A hardened heart can lead to a disconnection from one's values and sense of purpose.

Reduced Sense of Community: Individuals may feel disconnected from their community or support networks, which can negatively impact overall well-being and support systems.

In the Bible, a "hardened heart" signifies spiritual obstinacy, a refusal to hear God's voice, repent, or obey, often described as a heart of stone, seen vividly in Pharaoh's defiance and Israel's disobedience, serving as a warning against pride, doubt, and spiritual blindness, though God can also grant a new heart of flesh. "I have been hurt. I feel threatened. You owe me. I want revenge not justice!"

Once abused, recovery is difficult. Once the petal is torn from the stem, the damage is usually permanent for that specific bloom, as petals do not typically regrow. 

To avoid permanent damage, you must be willing to be vulnerable, trust, and be intimate. Before that, you must evaluate if your time, talent and treasure is worth the investment. Time is fleeting. "Time is fleeting" means time passes very quickly, life is short, and moments are temporary, urging us to value the present, act with purpose, and seize opportunities rather than procrastinating. Is this pursuit an opprtunity or a loss. An 'opportunity' by definition is a circumstance where one has possibility of gaining some benefit, and a 'threat' is exactly the opposite - a circumstance where one has possibility of some loss. However, in day-to-day context, we could take 'adversity' as antonym for 'opportunity'. Satan, meaning "adversary" or "accuser" in Hebrew, refers to a powerful spiritual enemy in Abrahamic religions, often depicted as a fallen angel who opposes God and humanity, tempting people to rebel and sin, and is known as the Devil, the Serpent, and the "father of lies". While the term satan in the Old Testament could describe any opponent, in later scripture, it designates this specific cosmic entity, the chief adversary who deceives and seeks to destroy God's purposes.  Will this relationship bring me closer to God or move me futher away? You can't love what you fear!

Is it worth my talent? Talent is a natural ability or aptitude to do something well, often involving unique patterns of thought or behavior that make learning and excelling easier, distinguishing it from learned skills by its instinctual, "hard-wired" quality, though it's developed through a mix of innate potential, practice, and opportunity. It's a core competency for specific tasks, making individuals effective with relative ease, and can be seen as a combination of natural endowment, intelligence, creativity, and consistent effort. Kathie Sorenson and Steve Crabtree in "Exactly What Is Talent, Anyway? Knowledge and skills can be learned, but talent is enduring" write, "It's human nature to covet what we don't have. In the case of material things, that yearning can be entirely healthy, because it's often possible to go out and get those things. But when it comes to talent, trying to attain what isn't there to begin with is a lost cause. General Powell and others throughout history who have achieved greatness have done so by carefully examining what it is that they do have -- those characteristics that distinguish them from others, those abilities that are most natural to them. Their success typically stems from their appreciation of those talents in themselves, and their understanding of how to use them as often and as effectively as possible." Examples of talent include innate abilities like artistic creativity (singing, painting, music), physical prowess (athleticism, coordination, rhythm), interpersonal skills (empathy, leadership, public speaking), and intellectual aptitude (quick learning, problem-solving, memory), often distinguishing them from skills learned through practice, like coding or specific software use. Do I have time and treasure to sacrifice what is enduring for what is fleeting? You can't love what you fear.

Is it worth my treasure? Treasure typically refers to valuable items, often including money, jewels, or other precious materials.

Types of Treasure

• Monetary Treasure:
• Coins, gold bars, or currency.
• Jewels and Gems:
• Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, and other gemstones.
• Historical Artifacts:
• Items of archaeological or cultural significance.
• Lost Treasures:
• Hidden or sunken treasures that have not been recovered.

Is it worth your "Blood, Sweat and Tears"? It is a very hard thing to do and requires a lot of effort. A lot of hard work and suffering. "Blood, toil, tears and sweat" was a phrase made famous in a speech given by Winston Churchill to the House of Commons of the Parliament of the United Kingdom on 13 May 1940; the speech itself is sometimes known by that name. The average cost for a dinner and movie date in the U.S. ranges from about $120 to $160 for two people, with recent data showing around $123 in early 2024, though it varies significantly by city, with major metros like NYC and LA being much higher. This total includes roughly $90-$100 for dinner (for two) and $30-$40 for two movie tickets, plus potential extra for concessions, making it a flexible budget. The minimum wage in Washington, D.C. is $17.95 per hour for most workers, effective July 1, 2025, an increase from $17.50, with further annual adjustments tied to inflation. For tipped workers, the base wage is $10.00 per hour, but employers must ensure total earnings (base + tips) meet the $17.95 general minimum. You have to work 6.6852367688 hours to afford dinner and a movie. The higher a diamond is rated, the more it will cost. A one-carat diamond typically falls between $4,000 and $6,000, depending on the quality and brand. But, for a very high-quality diamond, you might pay as much as $8,000 to $10,000 or more. You have to work 334.26183844 hours to pay for that or 41.782729805 8 hour work days. The average cost of a U.S. wedding hovers around $35,000 to $36,000, though this varies significantly by location, guest count, and vendor choices, with some sources reporting a lower median cost of $10,000 when extreme spending is excluded. Major expenses are the reception venue, catering, planners, and photographers, while high-cost areas like New Jersey and California push national averages up, contrasting with more affordable states like Utah. That's 2005.57103064 work hours or 250.69637883 8 hour work days. O, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. Moma, NaNa and Grandma will chip in and cover that. You're not that CUTE! Impossible things include violating physics (like faster-than-light travel or perpetual motion), logical paradoxes (married bachelors), and creatively challenging concepts (raining memories, impossible objects like Escher's stairs). While some things seem impossible but become real (like human echolocation), true impossibilities are those that break fundamental laws, such as creating a machine that runs forever or being in two places at once. "Not gonna happen" is a colloquial, informal phrase meaning something is impossible, highly unlikely, or that you strongly oppose it, acting as a firm "no" or expressing intent to prevent it, often used in speech and media to convey impossibility or refusal. It's a casual way of saying "That's not going to happen," stressing strong disagreement or impossibility. Is the relationship worth it? You can't love what you fear. Anyway you're married to Moma, NaNa and Grandma! They will never give you up! No girl is good enough!

Now that you evaluated tine, talent and treasure, are you ready to humble yourself and become vulnerable, trusting and intimate? Let's take some cards off the table first. After the diamond engagement ring, you are never right! Women often express negative feelings about husbands through criticisms of their competence ("Can't you do anything right?"), lack of respect ("I don't respect you"), comparisons to others ("Why can't you be more like..."), dismissal of their opinions, and complaints about unequal division of labor, chores, or emotional support, often stemming from feeling unheard, unsupported, or disrespected in the relationship. Common themes include issues with household help, communication breakdowns (like nagging), financial disagreements, and perceived failures in handling family or personal responsibilities. Remember when your body ordor was sexy, now it's repugnant and appalling! 

Grandson, if you made it this far, you're ready to become vulnerable, trusting, amd intinate. Becoming vulnerable means choosing to be emotionally open and honest, revealing your true self, feelings, and imperfections, despite the risk of being hurt, judged, or rejected, to foster deeper connection, intimacy, and authenticity in relationships. It involves dropping defenses, sharing fears, mistakes, or needs, and allowing yourself to be seen without emotional armor, creating a space for genuine connection but also exposing yourself to potential emotional wounds. In the Bible, becoming vulnerable means honestly admitting our weaknesses, sin, and need for God, which paradoxically leads to strength, intimacy with Him, and healing, as God's power is made perfect in our fragility (2 Corinthians 12:9). It involves humility, trust (like David facing Goliath or the bleeding woman in Mark 5), and authentic confession to God and wise others, revealing our true selves so Christ's power can work through our brokenness, not hiding in shame but seeking grace. 

Vulnerability, in a biblical sense, refers to the state of being open to emotional, physical, or spiritual harm. It is often associated with weakness, exposure, and the need for protection or support. In Scripture, vulnerability is not merely a condition to be avoided but is often portrayed as an opportunity for divine strength and grace to manifest. Adam and Eve (Genesis 3): The first instance of human vulnerability is seen in the Garden of Eden. After disobeying God, Adam and Eve became aware of their nakedness and vulnerability, leading to shame and the need for covering. This narrative highlights the human condition of exposure and the subsequent need for God's provision and protection. Can you be naked and ashamed before each other? "Naked and ashamed" refers to the biblical account in Genesis where Adam and Eve, after disobeying God, felt shame about their nakedness, contrasting with their initial state of being "naked and not ashamed" (Genesis 2:25) before sin, symbolizing innocence, transparency, and unhindered intimacy with God and each other, with shame entering as a result of guilt and hiding from God. The phrase highlights a spiritual fall, where true intimacy is replaced by self-consciousness, inadequacy, and a need to cover up one's true self. If you can't be "naked and ashamed" before God, forget a relationship. You can't love what you fear.

Trusting? What is trust? "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.(Proverbs 3:5)" Trust is translated in the Blue Letter Bible Lexicon Strong's H982 - bāṭaḥ meaning:

1. to trust
1. (Qal)
1. to trust, trust in
2. to have confidence, be confident
3. to be bold
4. to be secure
2. (Hiphil)
1. to cause to trust, make secure
3. (TWOT) to feel safe, be careless

The whole in relationships is "secure". Secure (adj.) is 1530s, "without care or fear, dreading no evil" (a sense now archaic), from Latin securus, of persons, "free from care, quiet, easy," also in a bad sense, "careless, reckless;" of things, "tranquil; free from danger, safe," from *se cura, from se "free from" (see se-) + cura "care" (see cure (n.)). In early use it often implied "over-confident, too sure In English, in reference to places, "free from danger, unexposed," by c. 1600. The mechanical meaning "firmly fixed" (of material things) is by 1841, extended from the mental meaning "affording grounds for confidence" (1580s) hence "of such stability, strength, etc. to preclude risk." Of telephones or telephone lines, "not wiretapped," by 1961. The earlier word, or form of the word, was Middle English siker, from Old English sicor, an earlier borrowing of the same Latin word, and sure (adj.) is a doublet, altered in its passage through Old French. Related: Securely. You are required to maintain an atmosphere of "Peace". A peaceful atmosphere is a tranquil, calm, and quiet environment free from disturbance, promoting relaxation, focus, and well-being through elements like soft colors, nature, gentle sounds, dim lighting, and uncluttered spaces, often achieved by reducing sensory input and connecting with calming elements like nature or music. It's a serene setting that helps lower stress and foster inner balance, whether it's a home, a natural spot, or a curated space for rest.  "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. (Luke 2:14)" Peace is translated in Blue Letter Bible Lexicon Strong's G1515 - eirēnē meaning:

1. a state of national tranquillity
1. exemption from the rage and havoc of war
2. peace between individuals, i.e. harmony, concord
3. security, safety, prosperity, felicity, (because peace and harmony make and keep things safe and prosperous)
4. of the Messiah's peace
1. the way that leads to peace (salvation)
5. of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is
6. the blessed state of devout and upright men after death

Spiritually, financially, psychologically, emotionally, mentally, in every other way, you are to lead her back to the Peace of Christ. But what if she says:

DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T SPEAK TO ME!

DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!

The Peace of Christ. No matter you must draw her back to the Peace of Christ. The security of Christ. The trust of Christ. What if you get loud and she says you are abusive! The Peace of Christ. You must be a rock in the storm! You can't love what you fear!

Intimacy. You won't get to the negligee if she fears you. Intimacy is a deep sense of closeness and connection in relationships, built on vulnerability, trust, and sharing your innermost self, going far beyond just sex to include emotional, intellectual, and experiential closeness with friends, family, or partners. It's about feeling safe enough to be authentic, sharing fears and dreams, and being accepted for who you truly are, fostering bonds through deep conversation, support, physical touch, or shared experiences. In the Bible, intimacy encompasses a deep, close relationship with God (spiritual intimacy) and mutual closeness within marriage (marital intimacy), both characterized by love, trust, and oneness, with sexual intimacy specifically reserved for the marriage covenant as a sacred bond for pleasure, procreation, and unity, while scriptures guide believers to pursue both divine closeness through righteousness and faithfulness in marriage, serving one another within the "one flesh" union.  Sin separated Adam and Eve and all of us from the garden and God’s presence, but Jesus made way for us to draw near again. By his righteousness, he made a way for us to approach him, enjoy him, and walk daily in intimacy with him. The word intimacy comes from Latin roots, specifically intimus ("inmost," "deepest") and intimare ("to make familiar" or "impress"), meaning a deep, close connection to someone's inner self, involving sharing private thoughts and feelings, and forming a family-like bond. Its core idea is knowing someone's most inner being, beyond the public view, and it developed in English from the adjective intimate in the 1600s. Before sexual intimacy there must be relationship intimacy, You must be close to her and she must be close to you. Not necessarily under one another. But connected even when apart. You can't love what you fear.

Grandson, I want to lend my wisdom to your youth. Don't wait 30 years. I say with greai sincerity and a tinge of sorrow, "YOU CAN'T LOVE WHAT YOU FEAR!"