NURSING HOME HUMOR...

 

As the result of a stroke and the need for recovery, I was admitted to Cherrydale Health and Rehabilitation in Arlington, VA. A converted hotel, made to be a large nursing home with a big gym. I, at 57, was too young to be in facility were 70 year olds lived and acted as 25 year olds. It was a "Mac" and "Babes" Center. No children and the only responsibilirty was getting well. Let the Games begin! I tell you, I was too young to be in a nursing home! Some humor from the Nursing Home:

HUMOR AT THE NURSING HOME...

PICK-UP LINES:

"WHAT'S MY NAME? WHAT'S MY ROOM NUMBER?"

"I LIKE THE WAY YOUR GOWN OPENS."

"WHAT'S YOUR DIAPER SIZE. 

EXTRA LARGE, BABE. 

WOAH!

I MAY SUFFER ED BUT I GOT ALL THE PARTS."

"MY ROOMMATE DIED THIS MORNING. YOU WANNA COME OVER?"

"I LIKE THE WAY YOUR JELLO SHAKES."

"I AM GOING TO BE HERE ONLY A LITTLE WHILE. LET'S GET IT ON."

"YOU WANNA SHARE SOME STOOL SOFTNER?"

"YOU WANNA CHANGE MY DIAPER?"

"YOU MUST BE TIRED? YOU HAVE BEEN RIDING IN MY WHEELCHAIR ALL DAY!"

"WANNA GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND SHOW ME PICTURES OF YOUR KIDS THAT DON'T VISIT YOU?"

"I LIKE THE LENGTH OF YOUR G-TUBE!"

"IF WE GET THERE BY 4, WE GET THE GOLDEN CORRAL DISCOUNT."

"IS THAT DROOL OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?" 

"THE NURSE WILL BE AT LUNCH ALL AFTERNOON, WANNA COME TO MY ROOM."

"YOU MAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE RISE! THANK GOD!"

"MY BED-TIME IS 3 PM. I HAVE TIME TO GET TO KNOW YOU."

"YOU MAKE MY TEMPERATURE RISE. O,GOD!"

"ARE THOSE MY TEETH OR YOURS?"

"YOU MAKE ME WANNA TURN MY HEARING AID!"

"MOZART OR SINATRA?"

"MADONNA IS IN ROOM 103."

"WIDOW OR LESBIAN?"

"WE CAN TALK ON GROUP CHAT. I HAVE DIAL-UP."

"IS THIS WHEELCHAIR TAKEN?"

"CAN I HAVE YOUR THREE DIGITS?" [ROOM NUMBER]

"WHAT YOU IN FOR?"

"WHAT YOU STARING AT? O, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD GLAUCOMA."

"WHICH ONE IS YOUR BEDPAN?"

REALIZATIONS:

AN OPEN GOWN IS ADULT ENTERTAINMENT.

THERE IS A MEDICAID FLOOR AND A PRIVATE INSURANCE FLOOR. PEOPLE DON'T MIX. "O, MUMSIE., WE DON'I EAT HIS TYPE OF JELLO. WE HAVE STANDARDS!"

WHAT YOU DON'T SAY TO TRACHEOSTOMY PATIENTS. "MOVIE ON IN 30 MINUTES. SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM!"

WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING COLONOSCOPY EXAMS: "YOUR BUTT IS MINE...WHO'S BAD!"

"USE THE HAND THAT WORKS!" SHOUT OUT TO MY STROKE SURVIVORS!

RED PILL OR BLUE PILL. TOO MANY CHOICES, TAKE THEM ALL.

ETHEL COMES INTO THE STEAM SAUNA: "IS IT COLD TO YOU?"

SAYINGS THAT MAKE THE DOCTORS AND NURSES UNCOMFORTABLE: "MY SON PUT A VIDEO-CAM SOMEWHERE IN HERE AND I CAN'T FIND IT!" OR "I'LL JUST LAY HERE FOR A FEW MINUTES." OR "THE MEDICAID DISTRIBUTION PAYMENT IS LATE" OR "THESE TWO MEN FROM THE FBI ARE HERE TO SEE YOU." OR "THE GOLF CLUB IS BEING RENOVATED" OR "YOUR WIG, NURSE ANN, IS MOVING ACROSS THE FLOOR."

BEWARE WHEN THEY POINT TO A COIN OPERATED PHONE AND TELL YOU TO CALL 911. IT'S HARD TO KEEP CHANGE IN YOUR GOWN.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A NURSING HOME WHEN THE CONVENIENCE STORE AXROSS THE STREET IS MORE CROWDED WITH PATIENTS THAN THE CAFETERIA.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN A NURSING HOME WHEN YOUR NURSE HAS TO DELIVER FOOD, CHANGE DIAPERS AND MEDICATE 30 PEOPLE BEFORE 9 AM.

YOU HATE WHEN THE SPEECH THERAPIST SAYS, "USE YOUR WORDS!" AND YOU LOST THE ABILITY TO SPEAK MONTHS AGO.

YOU HATE WHEN THE DIETICIAN OR DOCTOR SAYS "WATCH YOUR WEIGHT." AND THEY ARE HEFTIER THAN YOU.

YOU SNEEZE AND THE NURSE CLAIMS WORKPLACE VIOLENCE.

IN HONOR OF GEORGE CARLIN, THE SEVEN WORDS DOCTORS DON'T WANT TO HEAR, "MY INSURANCE IS CANCELLED, CARE FOR ME." THERE GOES THE DOCTOR' S OATH RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

YOU KNOW YOUR NURSE IS AN ADDICT WHEN SHE ORDERS TWO OF WHATEVER YOU ARE HAVING.

THE MOST DANGEROUS THING IN A NURSING HOME IS A DOCTOR'S OR NURSE'S SMILE. ADMINISTRATORS AND SOCIAL WORKERS DON'T.